


I can't hear you

by GreyStory



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, BaekYeol - Freeform, Baekhyun is constantly annoyed lmao, Byun Baekhyun is a Little Shit, ChanBaek - Freeform, Emotional Constipation, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Hospitals, M/M, Major Illness, Mentioned Kim Joonmyun | Suho, Minor Character Death, Muteness, Sign Language, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, True Love, he's a great doc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-05
Updated: 2018-07-05
Packaged: 2019-06-05 18:15:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15176498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreyStory/pseuds/GreyStory
Summary: You don't have to be able to speak to express what you are feeling.





	I can't hear you

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone and welcome to my very first story on this platform! Although this isn't the first work I've written, I have to say that English isn't my first language. I've had help to translate this story, so I hope that one can read it just fine...just have in mind that there might be some little mistakes.
> 
> But I still hope that you'll like it, so have fun reading! <3 Also, I hope everyone of you has a wonderful day or evening/night. <3

# Final.

In the brief moment of a heartbeat the entire world changed its sound. From driving in one direction, the cars turned to another making screeching sounds of wheels rubbing harshly against the road. Sometimes, honking to get the attention of sneaky strangers passing by too fast or to call them out for their idiotic act.

 

In this little second, people are changing their tone, range, mood, attitude and many other things in a conversation. Messages interpreted incorrectly could lead to good and bad like happiness from a compliment, anger from misfortune, or sadness from a tough life. In this moment, though, life was changing, splitting and giving new chances, making someone’s entire world turn around or continue daily, but never being entirely the same.

 

In this brief moment, in one of the bodies of a regular person on the streets, the cells made a move they didn't make before. It started to get chaotic and grow. Starting some years ago, it now made its final move with dangerous cancer cells spreading in the larynx of that person. The said one didn't feel it, neither did he know that there was something happening in that exact moment. After his vocal chords started to act crazy in a few months he felt unbearable pain like never before. In that moment, he knew that he should go to the hospital.

 

After a CT-scan, it was clear – it was throat cancer. To be more exact, it was laryngeal cancer, formed in the larynx, the voice box of a human being.

 

Never in his life was he so scared before. There was a great chance of surviving, of getting treatment and surgery. Oddly enough, there was still a chance of the cancer getting uncontrollable, spreading new tumors in his body. The cancer could still make him so sick that in the end he wouldn't make it. Also, it was really clear to him that he, indeed, would never be able to speak again after the surgery. The removal of the tumor would also cause the removal of his nearly destroyed vocal chords. In consequence, the only way to communicate would be through sign language.

 

Hey, that didn't sound as terrible as people described it to be. At least I would still be able to tell others when I am hungry or tired and could continue with annoying some people. These were the thoughts that ran through the boy’s head.

 

He always tried to stay positive, even when he lost his precious hair because of one of the multiple chemotherapies that only suppressed new forming tumors in his body. It was a constant war in him. He fought every day and every night with upcoming unbearable pain to endless tiredness and contradictory sleepless nights. He fought so much that sometimes he saw death as the only way out again.

 

However, the doctors made him believe and hope because his upcoming surgery should heal him. Even though it would be different than before, it should make him live again. He wouldn't be able to speak anymore and naturally communicate with everyone he wanted. He, especially, wouldn't be able to sing anymore. The making of melodic sounds was his passion and life. He would be most depressed without the ability. Singing was so important to him. It relieved so much stress and sadness, but now he didn't know how to deal with these things without singing anymore. Where should he put all his emotions and thoughts when not in singing?

 

“Baekhyun," his Doctor said to all his many constant incorrect sign language complaints. He was barely able to remember all the signs and the accompanying words to them because it just wasn't his strength to remember things, but he progressed and that was all that mattered. The sign language school here in the hospital was lame anyway.

 

“I have always told you that you can go to the art or music classes here. There is always a free place for you. Aren't you musically talented? Didn't you play the piano?” continued the Doctor.

 

The brown haired young man nodded slowly. It was true. He played the piano well, if he could say so. Usually he would sing along with the melody or song, but because of his new state of not being able to talk anymore, he lost the passion and fun in playing or even seeing an instrument. It just brought up a lot of good memories where he had the potential of studying music and becoming a pianist or singer, but fate seemed to have other plans for him, not so nice plans. Actually, fate destroyed his whole life. It didn't have the same value anymore and it would never be the same again. He mourned for a long time like that with negative thoughts, but now he really wanted to start being positive again. Maybe, life was still worth living and now he just needed to find a new reason or passion.

 

_"Okay...sign me up for both classes, Doc. I have plenty of time, anyway,"_ he gestured to his doctor, Dr. Kim Junmyeon.

 

The other man smiled, seemingly happier, brighter than usual. His decision seemed to really be good this time in contrast to his negative, moody ones in the past. His doctor was always very supportive, but he also always looked so pained with Baekhyun's mental condition. The Doctor was always concerned for his well-being, always wanting to make him somehow happy, or just a little bit hopeful. If there was bad news, he always nearly cried, but because there was finally multiple good news now, he seemed like the happiest person alive. It was so heart-warming to Baekhyun.

 

Dr. Kim gave a sigh of relief. “Thank god. I'll sign you up to both classes right after my next appointment and the day after tomorrow, I'm sure you'll be able to visit the classes. You can go there daily, but it is your decision and also depends on your health condition. Don't you dare skip any of them because you think it's just too boring or it makes you too nostalgic because you can't sign anymore, alright? Also, none of that kind of this idiocy, okay? If you've decided to go there, then please go!”

 

_"Okay, chill Doc. I understand you, oh man. No skipping classes, I fish!"_

 

Dr. Kim blinked, then he burst out in loud laughter making Baekhyun nearly jump from his seat.

 

“Fish?? Oh my god, Baekhyun, your lack of studying sign language makes your vocabulary so...hilarious!”

 

Baekhyun chuckled, before waiting to get the Doctor's attention back on his hands.

_"I'm sorry, I'll study more in the future!"_

 

“That's what you always say to me, you lazy little baby. Well, I'm sure you meant to say promise, right?”

 

Baekhyun nodded. Nodding was still the best thing he could do to communicate with others.

 

.

 

Dr. Kim was right. After a few days, Baekhyun was allowed to go to the art and music classes in the hospital. There was a big department for people with cancer and along with that, there were lots of special treatment for them. The sickness was mostly very serious, so the people needed to live there for a while. The classes existed as a way to keep the people occupied, distracted, happy and ironically, in Baekhyun's case, communicative. At first, Baekhyun didn't want to attend them because of his negative phase. He wouldn't take a step out of his room besides the treatment rooms. He mostly didn't want to face the situation of people asking him something that he wouldn't be able to respond to. He could only respond without being misunderstood to the people who knew sign language, which was most likely not the case. Why would they know it, anyway?

 

It was a situation he pictured so many times in his head before, but when he stepped into the first class for the day, art class, it was still really frightening and nerve-wrecking.

 

The caretaker, an old lady with gray hair, round, thick glasses, who somehow looked really nice, welcomed him immediately and guided him towards a group of people sitting at a few tables. At the table, Baekhyun noticed they were already drawing some pictures on white, big paper.

 

“Hello Sweetie, I heard from Doctor Kim that your name is Baekhyun, right? I know about your muteness, but don't worry about that! All people here are very nice and have a good heart. They'll understand that you can't respond to them,” said the old lady.

 

Baekhyun nodded and gave her a small smile. He wasn't sure if she was able to understand sign language, so he kept his response to himself. Although, his fingers twitched with anticipation to form gestures he had remembered in the back of his head.

 

As they reached the tables with around 15 people sitting there, he got even more nervous than before. He could have stayed in his room with his only company his roommate who never really bothered to even notice him and his mere presence. However, doing this, he would break his promise with Dr. Kim on the first day and he really didn't want to see the sad expression on his face again. He wanted to start being positive, so he had to start somewhere or he would never become what he wanted.

 

“Everyone, listen, we have a new person accompanying our art class! His name is Byun Baekhyun and he is mute, so he can only communicate in sign language. Please, still welcome him like everyone else and be sure to include him in everything! Just because you can't communicate verbally, you still can find other ways, right?”

 

Everyone looked at him and Baekhyun really wanted to dig himself into the ground and never come back. How embarrassing. He waved to the people in an awkward manner. Some smiled back to him or murmured a “Hi, Baekhyun”.

 

It got even more awkward when he was seated right next to a kid noticeably younger than him, maybe around the age of thirteen. The kid sported tiny glasses and a baseball cap over his bald head. The kid just kind of stared at him for ten minutes straight before continuing on drawing his picture of a tiger smashing an ant.

 

He really wanted to ask if he had something on his face, maybe a stray hair growing in the wrong place. After all, the chemotherapy destroyed all his hair growth starting from above his shoulders and now the growing system kind of went crazy. But, of course, he couldn't bring himself to ask. The boy continued to stare at him for the rest of the class, where they were allowed to freely draw anything that was on their mind. However, all the brown haired man wanted was nothing more than to go back to his room.

 

At the end of the class, a middle aged woman with little hair on her scalp confronted him. Surprising him with sign language on their way to the exit, she gestured frantically with her hands something like, _"Did you enjoy the class?"_

 

Just to be polite and nice because she was the first person to really talk to him that day, he answered with a nod and tried to smile as bright as he could. He formed a counter question right after that, asking her the same thing.

 

She said with a warm tone in her voice, “Well, you know, it was nice. I noticed that you seem to be quite uncomfortable and I figured that it was because of my son. He was staring at you the whole time, right?”

 

Baekhyun nodded again. He was kind of shocked to hear that he was her son and that they both were here, in the hospital, probably both suffering from cancer. A pitiful fate. Baekhyun figured, that fate was all kinds of crap. Fate was always destroying people's lives, always making them suffer, always showing up at the worst timing, and sometimes not showing any mercy at all. Fate was so unfair and so, so, so shitty that it just overflowed.

 

“Well, he kind of does that with everyone who is new. You see, he was very good friends with many people who were new in this class and every single one of them died. It’s really heartbreaking because now he never speaks to the new people, too afraid to befriend them and then to possibly lose them.”

 

Baekhyun was on the verge of crying. At first the thing with both of them sharing the same fate and now the boy also lost so many people already. It was really difficult to befriend the people here on the station, having the possibility to lose them because of sudden new tumors or a worsening condition. Everything was possible with cancer, it grew just like it wanted, where it wanted and as much as it wanted.

 

_"I am so, so sorry...,"_ he gestured and tried to express his sadness with his eyes. _"For both you and your son. I pray for your recovery and hope that you two will make it."_

 

The woman smiled.

 

“Thank you dear. That is so sweet of you. I also really hope that you will make it through this hard stage in your life. I am really certain that such a pretty and young man like you will overcome this easily. Well...see you in a few days then, okay?”

 

Baekhyun nodded and waved her goodbye. He already knew that she and her son would become really important for him just because of their story and condition. However, he also thought that it was a really bad mistake for having originally planned to not let anyone in, so no death could affect him much.

 

He sighed when he reached his room, already hearing the loud sounds of the TV reaching his ears. His roommate, Jihoon, was watching his favorite show again just like every evening. He never let him switch the channel because his “show was one of the most important things in his life”.

 

He really wanted to tolerate his roommate and his actions and decisions, for he could have had a worse roommate, but, still, sometimes that roommate of his was really annoying.

 

Soon it was time for dinner, but he didn't have an appetite at the moment, so he didn't go. This was really the only time where he could be alone in his room. Usually, he would do naughty things every man would do when he was alone in his room, but today he didn't feel like doing any of it. The story with the woman and her son was still affecting him and his feelings deeply. He couldn't stop overthinking everything that he heard about.

 

He still had five weeks before he would get the one surgery that should heal him, but everyday seemed as if it would take forever to reach that day. Every single morning, he would wake up, shower, eat a little, get his pills, make a quick daily check-up, would go back to his room and re-read all of the novels his family brought him some months ago. He was already four months in this darn hospital and every day of these months were pure torture starting from unbearable pain to helplessness, depression and ultimate tiredness to the days where he was diagnosed with a high possibility of surviving, as he was only at stage three and could easily recover after a surgery.

 

The surgery was very expensive, but he nevertheless spent every single won he had to pay for this. His family also supported him not only financially, but also mentally. Without them, he didn't know if he would make it. He would probably have gone crazy. They couldn't visit him every day, but they still kept up with coming to the hospital every weekend, visiting him, encouraging him and giving him new things like books to keep him entertained as they knew that he wasn't leaving his room anytime soon.

 

It was also a really big surprise to them when Baekhyun told them the following weekend that he went to art and music classes. He had also lied about how he was trying to interact with people now. He knew that he still wasn't ready for that, but he said it so that his family wouldn't worry so much about him.

 

They often went to eat or went out for a simple walk in a park, but every single weekend Baekhyun would anticipate what they would do the next week. It was always something different, somewhere new where he hasn't gone before and that was one of the things that kept him anticipating every new week, getting through every one of them with a little excitement.

 

He attended his classes regularly. At every art class, he would see the woman, Naeun, and her son, Taeguk. He would talk a little bit with Naeun, smile at Taeguk, and draw pictures of a better future that also included a dog. He wanted one so terribly bad, but knew that without his voice, he wouldn't be able to control him like other people could.

 

In his music classes, he sometimes would get really nostalgic because he couldn't sing anymore. However, the care taker, a nice young man with a beard and warm eyes encouraged him to keep going, to keep playing the piano because his talent was heaven and maybe to learn a new instrument like the guitar or the flute. Baekhyun listened to the man's advice, but decided to just stick to piano for now.

 

The next music class, someone new came and everyone was somehow really bewildered and happy to see the person. Nearly everyone jumped out of their seats, including their care taker. They ran towards the new guy shouting and crying and hugging him as if he was God himself. Baekhyun just awkwardly sat at the piano, staring at the group of excited people and silently wondering what was wrong with them. He then looked away again because he wouldn't be able to figure out what was happening anyway and instead focused his attention on the music sheet before him.

 

Only after a really intense, awkward ten minutes, people started to head back to their instruments and seats and continued to try to play while talking silently to each other. Only now that the crowd of people were gone, he could clearly see the new guy who was smiling so wide that Baekhyun was afraid his face would split any second.

 

The new guy ruffled one of his hands through his black hair as if he was a sports model, but he clearly didn't seem like one. His little actions slightly annoyed Baekhyun. He expected the guy to say some statement like “Hey folks! I'm kind of new but already really popular and I have really messy hair, so please take good care of me because I want to become a model someday". However, the said guy wordlessly sat down next to the care taker, took a guitar standing on the side and just started to play together with him. Baekhyun was amazed at how fast this non-supermodel became friends with the nice care taker within a few minutes. It wasn't like Baekhyun planned on befriending him first, especially because he knew sign language well. Noooo. No.

 

Baekhyun was overly annoyed that day. More than that, he just wished to be able to sing, to let it all out, but of course he couldn't. Sometimes, he still tried to make a sound, theoretically he could because his vocal chords were still in his throat, but the few times he tried he had ended up with the worst pain one could ever feel. He never knew that his throat would hurt like that, but after the few stupid times of trying and Doctor Kim's frustrated scolding about how he shouldn't do that, he gave up. But, now, the temptation was nearly unbearable. He really wished to be able to sing, just for one last time.

 

When he was in his room again, later in the evening, when Jihoon was at lunch, he felt especially stupid and daring, maybe also a little bit masochistic. He tried to sing, to make any sounds out of his throat, just in pure desperation while standing in front of the mirror. At the first attempt he already felt so much pain that he nearly fell on the ground from the shock, but he kept on trying, wanting to hear his own voice again. He never really had the time to appreciate it for the last time. He tried even more, coughing bad. He saw blood coming out of his mouth, he felt so much pain that it was nearly getting numb again. There was just so much blood that he had the urge to throw up. He never came to that though because he was already falling unconscious.

 

.

 

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

 

Of course, he had to wake up to that sound. Of course, he would feel the pain shooting up his nerves the second he was conscious again and of course, he felt really, really stupid again. Right at this moment, he seemed to have never felt this stupid before and maybe that was the most stupid decision he had ever made in his life, considering that he knew the consequences of his action. But, all that’s done is over now and no one could change that. He already accepted it, everything but one. The fact that his chances of him not ever recovering were a lot higher now. The more he damaged his throat, the more new cells of the tumor could attack the weakened place. Dr. Kim already warned him a hundred times about that, but he still did it.

 

Again, he would be so sad because of his own stupidity.

 

“Mister, are you awake?” asked a nurse next to his bedside table, where she was currently filling out some paperwork that needed an observation of his current condition.

 

Baekhyun tried to nod a little bit, but it hurt even more, letting more pain shoot up in his throat and somehow, through his whole body, right to the tip of his toes.

 

“Okay. Do you feel some kind of pain in the region of your throat? We gave you medication and painkillers, the usual ones but only stronger.”

 

Baekhyun raised his hands, they were shaking like crazy. He wanted to let them sink again, but he needed to answer the question first.

 

_“Yes, my throat hurts very much. Please…,”_ He halted, because his hands were uncontrollably shaking now. _“Please send a doctor.”_

 

The nurse was watching him with a raised brow. For a few seconds, she was just blankly staring at him before something seemed to click in her head.

 

“Oh my god, you are mute? I am so sorry. I didn't see that in your folder. I was just instructed on observing you and didn't expect you to wake up so fast...I can't read sign language, sorry...” She was chewing her lip and seemed to panic a little.

 

Baekhyun had the feeling that he would die because of her inability to understand sign language. What if he really needed a doctor now? What if he would die soon? Oh my god?!

 

“I’ll...go and search for someone who can understand you, I’ll be right back!” shrieked the nurse as she really began to panic.

 

Baekhyun’s heartbeat also started to quicken and he heard the change really loudly next to him from the monitor.

 

He waited for maybe a few minutes, maybe some hours, he didn't know. He only knew that he was in pain, in so much pain that nothing mattered to him anymore and he just wanted to see the doctor soon. He could easily just press the button right next to his head so he could call a doctor, but he didn't think of that at the moment. He just felt pain and he couldn't think clearly anymore.

 

When the nurse was back, there was someone else with her, but his vision started to get blurry so he didn't know if the person was watching right now. He barely held up his shaking hands and formed _“So much pain, need doctor”_ , before only seeing black again.

 

 

He should really know better. It was indeed the most stupid thing he had ever done in his entire life. That was all he could think of when he woke up again, but now he didn't feel so much pain anymore and it was kind of okay for him now. He shouldn't shrug the situation off like it was nothing, but he did, just to protect himself from even more guilt, not only for himself, but mostly for the people around him, like Dr. Kim and his family and friends. They were praying so much that his upcoming surgery would heal him. He really shouldn't have taken such careless risks or he would make them break down again, but as he was already thinking, he was just plain stupid. Maybe the medicine made him that idiotic and killed that many brain cells. Maybe he just went mad here in the hospital. Or, maybe it was everything mixed together and he couldn't take it anymore.

 

When he opened his eyes, the door opened at the exact same moment. Doctor Kim came in. His eyebrows furrowed and gaze somewhere else, as if he was so deep in thought that he would nearly drown in them before averting his eyes to the brown haired man lying on the bed.

 

“Oh, I didn't expect you to be awake. How are you feeling?” He sounded so upset, although he tried to maintain his anger and outburst of rage. Baekhyun knew and he saw it immediately.

 

_“Okay,”_ he formed.

 

Dr. Kim nodded before sitting on one side of Baekhyun’s bed.

 

“I'd really like to scream at you for your really stupid actions right now, but I consider your condition as too weak to contain that, so I need to hold it back for the next time. I just wanted to check up on you, but now that you are awake, I can inform you about your state. Your roommate found your unconscious body in your room and he immediately brought you to me. You needed a little surgery, fixing up some inner damages so you wouldn't be dying and….” He took a deep breath. He seemed to be so disappointed of the young man. “Your condition will not get worse because of this incident. You have a really merciful guardian angel somewhere, Baekhyun because I expected worse. There was even a chance of you dying there for a second, but we made you recover quite quickly. Just...please….I nearly beg you now because otherwise you don't seem to understand it. Please don't do this again, otherwise, I don't know if we will still be able to help you...”

 

Baekhyun cried. He was so sorry, that his heart hurt more than his throat ever could and Dr. Kim nearly cried too, before carefully hugging him. “Please, hold on, just until a few more weeks, Baekhyun. Only a few weeks and maybe you will recover again, so please don't do anything stupid anymore. Please.”

 

Baekhyun could only nod and sniff loudly before he smiled the most sincere smile he could bring up at the moment. Dr. Kim seemed to be content with that answer and he wanted to say something, but the door was opening and someone peeked into the room, destroying the atmosphere.

 

“Oh, Chanyeol, come in!” Dr. Kim stood up and gestured the man to come into the room.

 

Baekhyun was horrified as he realized that the man was no other than mister sports supermodel, running his hand through his hair, again. In only a few seconds, one person could make him so annoyed again. He really wanted the other to go away, but Dr. Kim wasn't facing his direction, so he couldn't gesture his request to his doctor.

 

“Baekhyun,” said Dr. Kim as he finally turned around to face him again. “This is Park Chanyeol. He kind of helped save your life, too. The nurse who didn't understand sign language found him knowing that he could understand it because, well, he needs to use it too and so he could read your message of needing a doctor. If he didn't show up, you could die, you know.”

 

Baekhyun was speechless. Chanyeol was running his hand through his hair, again. It annoyed Baekhyun so much that he nearly shot out of his bed and jumped on the tall male to stop him from doing it.

 

“Well, you two can communicate with each other, so I'm not really needed here anymore. Baekhyun, you strictly need to stay in bed for a few days, so don't get up! I must go to the next patient.”

 

The door closed behind Dr. Kim and a rather awkward silence surged through the room. The only sound heard was coming from the monitor signaling Baekhyun's heartbeat.

 

Then, slowly, Chanyeol, Baekhyun believed his name was, stepped towards Baekhyun's bed while a little smile was plastered on his face. Couldn't he stop smiling? He was always smiling. So annoying.

 

_“Are you are feeling better?”_ , asked Chanyeol as he smiled a bit more while his eyes were shining in curiosity. At first, Baekhyun didn't want to answer him, but after a few seconds he realized how childish that was.

 

_“Yes. Thank you for...kind of saving my life.”_

 

Chanyeol's smile grew even wider. Baekhyun really questioned his life choices right now and what he did to feel so annoyed by a person who was smiling so wide. Why was he even smiling so much?

 

_“It was no problem. I know how you feel and I'm actually glad that you are better now.”_

 

Baekhyun snorted. How would he know that? He couldn't have known because he wasn't Baekhyun! Such an annoying idiot.

 

_“How would you know how I feel? You seem fine, with that constant smile of yours,”_ he gestured. He wanted to say that his smile was annoying, but he thought about that again and came to the decision that he should just simply shut up.

 

_“I am also mute, but not because of throat cancer. It is because of a gene defect I had from the moment I was born. I could never speak my whole life and well, I also have cancer, but not in my larynx. It’s in my blood...it is a long and painful treatment, so I naturally know how you are feeling right now.”_

 

Oh. He was kind of sorry for Chanyeol, but he didn't know how to express that, so he just furrowed his eyebrows a little. Chanyeol seemed to have snickered a little.

 

_“What? Are you considering your situation worse? Well, okay, I guess you're right at the moment because my treatment has a high rate of healing me soon and I am feeling so good at the moment. Just look at my fully grown, beautiful hair! But, I heard that you'll also get surgery soon and that it will probably heal you fully, right?”_

 

Chanyeol seemed really talkative. This also annoyed Baekhyun very much. He didn't have the energy to converse with someone so annoying. However, the black haired man didn't know about Baekhyun’s dislike of him sharing his life story and so, he stepped forward even more and sat down next to Baekhyun on his bed, even more close than where Dr. Kim sat before.

 

The beeping from the monitor suddenly went a little bit faster and a wave of the strongest shock and embarrassment he ever felt washed through his senses, making his eyes widen and look directly in the ones of Chanyeol. He was also a little surprised and maybe a bit confused, he couldn't make out his feelings precisely.

 

Stupid thing, Baekhyun thought to himself and quickly looked away again while questioning his heart for his stupid action of pumping blood faster than before. What was going on there? Why was he so...excited, so full of adrenaline all of a sudden?

 

_“Everything alright!?”_ , gestured Chanyeol frantically. He seemed to think that something was wrong with Baekhyun’s condition again. Maybe there was, Baekhyun didn't know. He just felt all kinds of fluttering all of a sudden, as if...there were butterflies in his stomach.

 

No, he thought and panic made his heartbeat go even faster. It's not that. It's not like that. No, no, not like that. Stupid heart. Just stop, uhhh.

 

He quickly nodded, and he wasn't really sure if he was getting red or pink or maybe even green in the face because he very much wanted to throw up at the moment. Please just not this feeling, not this one feeling. Why is it so intense? It should go away. Chanyeol should go away, better yet, he should never come back into his life again.

 

Chanyeol furrowed his eyebrows, before seemingly staring at him for a while. Baekhyun didn't dare to look at him back, it was too embarrassing and intimidating at the same time.

 

Only when he waved and Baekhyun caught the gesture in the corner of his eyes, did he turn fully to the black haired man again and looked at his hands. They looked really strong and big. He bet that they would feel really rough and firm, maybe a bit warm. Perfectly for running up and down his sides, to his hips…

 

The monitor got really loud and frantic, the beeping sounds the only thing echoing in the room. Oh. My. God.

 

_“I am calling a doctor”_ , he saw Chanyeol gesturing and he maniacally gestured with his hands a big _“NO, NO”_.

 

He heaved a big sigh before trying to calm himself down a bit. God, not only was his mind stupid, but his heart was, too.

 

_“I'm Okay”_ , he then gestured and indeed did his heartbeat calmed down after a few moments again, but it was still way faster than normal.

 

Chanyeol still looked concerned, but after a while he also heaved a silent sigh. _“Okay. I'm going now, you should rest. It was nice to meet you.”_

 

Baekhyun expected him to go immediately, but the black haired male stood there, seemingly waiting for an answer from Baekhyun. Again, it made Baekhyun so annoyed. Why couldn't he just leave him alone already?

 

_“Yeah, it was garden.”_

 

Chanyeol raised an eyebrow. Baekhyun stared at him expectantly, wanting the other male to go out already, but he seemed to have other plans. He started to laugh softly instead of going out. What a success of getting rest.

 

_“Garden?”_ , Chanyeol asked as he breathed softly out of his nose while he kept on laughing. He crouched down and hit his own thigh with his hand while laughing. It was a kind of endearing sight for Baekhyun. Wait no, not endearing, no.

 

_“Are you serious? Garden? Oh my god, this is so funny”_ , Chanyeol gestured while trying to stand straight again. Baekhyun's mind was the opposite of straight now. Why was he laughing? Was Chanyeol making fun of him? Oh...did he make a mistake with a sign?

 

Baekhyun thought of a good response, but found that he didn't know any, especially one that would somehow keep his image on grounds. Now, he would be known as the guy who was mute, but still hadn't fully learned sign language. Ha, ha.

 

_“I'm...sorry.”_ Baekhyun had to think more of what to say, or in his case, gesture. _“I...am still learning sign language, okay? I'm trying. It is hard when you still haven't accepted that you need to use it for the rest of your miserable life.”_

 

Chanyeol stopped laughing. He was very serious now and the change of mood within just a few seconds kind of scared Baekhyun because it could possibly mean that Chanyeol was some crazy guy or something. Now that he thought of it, his face was really weird while laughing, all scrunched up and weird looking -

 

Again, he stopped his own train of thoughts because Chanyeol was gesturing something. In all honesty, he didn't really want to continue his thoughts anyway.

 

_“Oh, I didn't want to offend you. I wasn't laughing at you! I'm sorry if it seemed that way!”_ , the tall lanky man gestured as he bowed. Baekhyun found it very endearing, he nearly got a heart attack, again. He really needed to go, this guy made him only very sick again. He really made him feel weird. He was so damn cute he partly didn't want Chanyeol to go and just continue being cute.

 

Finally, Chanyeol stepped out of the door right after Baekhyun said that it was okay. They bid their goodbyes and never in his life did Baekhyun hope so much to never have to see a man again like how he wished with Chanyeol. He prayed to all the Gods he knew and promised to never being stupid again, if only he would disappear from his life. Even if it sounded rude, but he just didn't want to have to experience even more pain than he felt the other night when he tried to sing, again. No amount of blood would be enough to fill in those holes of hurt he would feel if he ever...liked him. It just wouldn't be bearable if a loved one had cancer and would need to leave him because the sickness was suddenly taking over him. It would be bearable if it'd be he himself, but not with someone else. He couldn't see a loved one die, he just couldn't. He needed to stay away from Park Chanyeol.

 

.

 

But, Park Chanyeol didn't stay away from him.

 

The following week Baekhyun was allowed to stand up, again. After a few days he could attend his classes regularly and surprisingly many people seemed to have noticed his absence for the last week. Some even knew what happened to him, saying their condolences to him while giving him encouragement with a friendly pat on his back or a small smile. No one seemed to want to really get to know him though, but he was okay with it because he also didn't want that, even if originally he planned on making a few friends here. His plan seemed to not work anyway.

 

Just like every art class, he would sit next to Naeun and draw with her and her son. They would draw pictures or make things with their hands, but the following day someone else took their seats away and sat there first.

 

_“Baekhyun, are you feeling better?”_ asked the man with firm hands. Meanwhile, the man with really short brown hair folded his arms in annoyance, raising up both his eyebrows to show his disapproval to the act.

 

_“Why are you here? Aren't you only in music class?”_

 

Chanyeol shook his head making black strands of hair sway in every possible direction and land messily on his forehead. Argh, Baekhyun really wanted to sweep them away from there because they were annoying him. Chanyeol was annoying him, so much.

 

_“Now I also signed up for art classes, cool right? And, you still didn't answer my first question.”_

 

Baekhyun sighed. Why did fate always like to play its sneaky little tricks on him? Why?

 

_“I'm fine. Feeling way better now.”_

 

Chanyeol smiled, as if he got really happy with that answer. Or, did Baekhyun just interpret it the wrong way? Actually, he was really sure that Chanyeol got really happy now. Weird, how he could just see that. He never could read other people that well before.

 

Chanyeol pulled himself down next to Baekhyun on the chair within the next second and pointed to a pencil and paper. Then he made gestures again, but Baekhyun didn't catch them at first because he was getting too deep into his own train of thoughts about how black Chanyeol's hair was and how his eyes seemed to shine in the light of the room.

 

He blinked a few times. Raising his hands and looking quite apologetic at him, Baekhyun gestured a standard _“Sorry, could you repeat yourself, please? I wasn't paying attention.”_ He learned these gestures in the first lesson of sign language. Now that he really needed to use them, it was getting kind of awkward. He must have appeared as a very stupid person.

 

But, Chanyeol smiled brightly at him and shook his head in a manner of saying _“No problem”_.

 

Then he gestured to him again. _“I said that we could also communicate with the pencil and paper. We could write letters, you know? Just in case we aren't looking, are busy or something like that.”_

 

Baekhyun bit back a small smile. That was really thoughtful of him. Wow. He wasn't sure how to respond now, so he kept it simple with an _“Okay”_. But, somehow, he couldn't stop the small smile that appeared, even if only for a few seconds. After that he quickly put himself together, though. Stupid supermodel, made him smile now even though he didn't want to. Such an idiot.

 

They had the task to draw new decoration for the kids department today and everyone was getting really creative, but Baekhyun just couldn't think of anything decent looking that would hang around in the room of a sick and sad kid. He wanted to make something cheerful, but ended up with a face that looked even sadder than his chances to ever speak again. Wow, did he fuck up this picture.

 

Chanyeol snickered next to him and Baekhyun threw his pen on the table, annoyed by the black haired man.

 

_“What is your problem??”_ he then asked. He knew that he looked really angry right now, but he couldn't help it. He was getting really frustrated because of the picture.

 

Chanyeol seemed to look a little panicked and maybe also a little concerned. How did he know that? How could Chanyeol guess the emotions of the other even though he didn't know him for more than a week? God, it frustrated Baekhyun even more. He really just wanted to be in his room right now and bury himself in his bed until the next morning. What a great idea it was to go to these classes. Only frustration and anger did these classes cause him to feel. Never once had he felt happiness or the feeling of getting cared for or loved.

 

_“I just...found it kind of funny how you first tried to make it look happy, but it ended up like this”_ , Chanyeol gestured as he looked apologetically and directly into Baekhyun’s eyes causing his heart to jump a little at the sudden and somehow intense eye contact.

 

He gulped and tried to calm his sudden racing heart down attempting to lift his hands to form a fitting answer because he couldn't really stay angry at him when his heart had other plans. Baekhyun’s heart was racing around too much. The blood seemed to mainly pump in his heart, now making his hands seem to not be able to find the energy it needed to move. Instead, Baekhyun simply nodded really dumbly before bringing his attention back on the failed picture. It looked just as angry and sad as he was starting to feel at the moment. How dare his heart start doing such things? How dare it start to like another heart way too much and quickly, really quickly? How dare it cause him to feel such intense feelings? How dared it?

 

He didn't plan on turning to Chanyeol, again. He didn't want to lay his eyes even once on the firm fingers and thin, but also strong looking arms. He didn’t want to stare at his lean, but somehow really good looking body, his absolutely cute face with big, shining eyes, and his full lips. He didn't want to keep looking at Chanyeol’s somehow funny, big ears and the messy, black hair-

 

He wanted to groan in frustration, but of course, he couldn't, he shouldn't. Instead, he ran his hands through his really short hair and messed it up in all the directions it could possibly go. His perfect hair, ruined, just to let his feelings out in some way. However, no matter how rough he ruffled his hair, it didn't really help him to reduce hi emotions. How great would it be if he could just sing his heart out right now? Maybe then, when everything was out, he would think clearer and straighter. He would be able to know what he really was feeling. Maybe, it would also go away, if he could just sing.

 

He stayed like that. He felt the presence of the other male suffocating him and making his mind and heart go crazy, maybe even insane. For a short second he considered to discontinue his strong medication because maybe, it was some kind of side effect from them that he was beginning to feel. If it wasn't that, then maybe he should just… _die_ , said a little and faint voice in his head, but he wasn't having any of that. He stood up from his chair causing a long and loud high pitched screech in the big and partly hollow art room. He knew that everyone was turning their attention to him. He simply didn't look at any of them, not even at Chanyeol, who he knew was really worried as he was looking up at him right now. Baekhyun marched out without looking back.

 

.

 

Even if he originally wanted to stay in his room for the rest of the day, Dr. Kim had other plans for him. It annoyed Baekhyun even more. Why did everyone tire him out so much? Was it just that he tired himself out? Maybe he was the culprit in this blurry, confusing case. He just really went crazy now, not knowing what to do with his remaining weeks before his surgery. He was always sitting on the edge and afraid to suddenly, with a surprising and unknown force, fall down, to just die because of his sickness. He was afraid the cancer had other plans with him and already made him incurable. His inner war was fighting with more fire now and his insides really felt as if they were on fire.

 

“Baekhyun, stop lying around and wasting your life! Get up!”

 

He wasn't moving in any way and he didn't plan to.

 

“Byun Baekhyun.”

 

His blanket was getting ripped away from him followed by his feet that were also drawn towards the edge of the bed. Naturally, Baekhyun panicked by this kind of act, suddenly associating his bed with the cliff that will cause his death. The fear of his life hanging off the cliff and the cause of it being cancer. His first instinct was to scream, but a force stopped him, momentarily. A hand hauled its way up to his mouth, indicating him that he should choke back his instinctive scream and surprisingly, he obeyed. Some of his other instincts also got to him and told him that this would result in something more than just a bad consequence.

 

“Baekhyun. Calm down, it's me,” said Doctor Kim.

 

Baekhyun was nowhere near calm. He just wanted to escape. He felt so anxious at that moment that he just wanted to bury himself in his bed and never come back.

 

“Baekhyun. Baekhyun, you can't go on like this. Baekhyun, please stand up.”

 

He shook his head, burying his face into his pillow again. He felt like crying, and he was overreacting again, but he couldn't help it. This sickness was making him go crazy, just like he already suspected.

 

“Baekhyun.”

 

There was silence for a moment before his doctor spoke again.

 

“Do you want to sing?”

 

At first, he just wanted to laugh at the stupid question. Of course he wanted to sing. It was his passion, one of the most important things in his life! The tone in Doctor Kim's voice was somewhat inviting, soothing, and...promising like he might have something planned. A little flame of hope arouse in Baekhyun's stomach. There could be a possibility of him singing again.

 

He sat up slowly and turned to his doctor, looking at him tiredly, but also with a hint of excitement. He nodded in anticipation.

 

Doctor Kim seemed as if he was thinking about something for a while.

 

“Do you still remember how it felt when you were singing?”

 

Again, Baekhyun nodded. He didn't know what his doctor had in mind, but when the topic was about his passion, he could never resist on listening and conversing about it.

 

“Great, that's really great. Then come with me, okay? We'll go to the music room. Are you okay with that?”

 

Baekhyun got up faster on his feet than he intended to. He stood wobbling, but Doctor Kim helped him stand normally again.

 

“Then let's go.”

 

.

 

As they passed by numerous doors of patients and nurses, some who accompanied patients who looked as if they were in pain or even dying and on their way to the emergency rooms, Baekhyun's world seemed to spin. In the back of his mind was a melody, he couldn't remember where it came from, but he knew that he played it numerous times before. It was like a ghost in his mind, spinning from one side to the other, getting louder and then quieter, making his thoughts stop momentarily and his feelings go crazy. His fingertips started to twitch and move on their own, tapping against nothing but the warm air, forming a silent melody that could be played and sang to.

 

Dr. Kim led him on their way, but knowing the way to the music room already by heart, he didn't even try to follow the doctor. One moment he thought that he saw a familiar face lying on a lounger and coughing for his dear life. By the next second, the same person was dragged away by nurses and into the emergency room. His heart skipped a beat and his mind screamed and cried in worry for the person and everyone else who was dying at this exact second. His fingers continued to play on their own, distracting him after a few moments from the painful, but familiar feeling in his chest, aware of dying people he saw just a few hours ago in art class and breakfast.

 

Cancer was nothing but a battle, just like in a movie or a video game. The enemy showed up from nowhere and suddenly, you were dying, even after fighting with every breath you took and every energy you mustered up. If you fought enough, just like a Superhero, only then, in rare, easy, and un-harmful cases did you win. Realistically, even if you ended up dying, you were a Hero because you still fought for your life. You still mustered up to live for as long as you could. The real Heroes were all of them, no matter the age or type of cancer.

 

Baekhyun wiped a single tear coming out of his eye away, afraid that suddenly he will break down and cry again. He forced himself to stay strong, even if only for a little while. He didn't want to make Dr. Kim worry too much, again.

 

Finally, they reached the music room that was located at the far end of their floor. Before they even fully entered the dimly lit room, Dr. Kim already indicated for him to go to the piano.

 

“Now, Baekhyun, play. You already yearned for it, didn't you? Play and imagine sitting on the stage with the black expensive piano before you, playing the most emotional and beautiful pieces you could manage and singing with your full heart, letting out everything you felt. Maybe you aren't allowed to sing anymore, but you can still imagine and immerse yourself into the feeling and situation again, can't you?”

 

The piano looked shady and not inviting at all. For everyone. It may just look like another piece of instrument, but for Baekhyun, it was perfect. Just the way the piano looked now, it mirrored all his inner emotions he could select and pick out of himself. Sad, afraid, hopeless, but also needy for something that could satisfy his yearning. His yearn to let everything out, let everything go and make room for happiness, just like he intended to do weeks ago. He really wanted to be happy, again.

 

He sat on the padded stool in front of the piano and placed his slightly trembling fingers on the piano keys. Naturally, his eyes closed and he found himself in a situation he craved so much. He imagined himself on stage, with a racing heart because of his nervousness, but also an intense rush of excitement to show the audience his skills and immerse them into his own little world, full of music, emotion, and beauty.

 

When the first note reached his ears, he couldn't stop himself. Just like that, he let himself fall, far, far away and imagined everything he needed and wanted. He imagined the sweat running down his forehead, his heart skipping a beat at the sensation of being on stage and playing in front of people, his voice getting louder with every change of a note, making its way out of his lungs, creating its own unique sound no one could imitate. He never appreciated his own voice much before, but now, knowing he could never sing again, knowing, that he lost his voice to cancer, he wanted to hold on to his voice and never let it go. If he could, he would beat the shit out of this sickness until it gave his voice back. But, of course, he couldn't. He would never get it back again.

 

He suddenly thought of Chanyeol, remembering that the young man himself never heard his own voice before and will never be able to. This fact made the brown haired man sad. The pressure against the keys got a little stronger, a little more emotional.

 

He bet that the black haired man would have a really beautiful voice. A voice which would reach the listener with such an intensity that one could only gape in awe, anticipating another sound right after just to be sure that the sound of the voice was surely real. A voice that would talk so much that it got hoarse after a while. His coughs would have a definite sound too, making him one of a kind. A unique voice no one else could have. It made Baekhyun so sad at the mere thought that the black haired man would never have a voice that he suddenly stopped playing.

 

Dr. Kim didn't question his sudden stop. Only after a while did he open his eyes again to look for the doctor. He expected him to be gone already, but Baekhyun for sure didn't expect the person he was just thinking about to stand there instead.

 

He looked unreal in the dim light of the room, way too pale, his hair as dark as the piano. He looked like he was a ghost, shining and staring down at Baekhyun. His lips were surprisingly red in contrast to the rest of his appearance. The serious expression on his face was not only scary, but also worrying. He only accepted the giant to be all smiley and happy. After all, his condition was really great for a while now, but every time he saw the frown on Chanyeol's face, his own heart just sank down and hurt like crazy. He couldn't explain this to himself, but he really just wanted to see the other happy.

 

The whole room seemed to light up in every possible color he could think of, when suddenly, the black haired man started to smile. It started slowly, almost carefully, with a little twitch of his lip that continued to grow to a big grin that only a Park Chanyeol could muster. Like, really, who could even grin so wide?

 

Baekhyun also started to smile slowly, not knowing the reason as to why his muscles around his mouth suddenly decided to move too. They just did. Along with the smile, a sudden satisfaction arouse in his chest that spread within seconds throughout his whole body and made him feel happy, but also restless.

 

_“You played beautifully,”_ Park Chanyeol gestured.

 

Byun Baekhyun was whipped the moment Chanyeol stared lovingly into his eyes, still grinning like the idiot he was. Stupid, stupid supermodel made him feel so in love.

 

.

 

After that, they started to chat. Somehow, they managed to talk about nearly everything. Not only about their experiences with their illness and their feelings about it, but also about what they usually eat on a Sunday afternoon or preferably watch on TV. Mostly, they were stuck on the topic music, which was not only a hobby, but also a passion they both seemed to share on the same level.

 

Chanyeol played not only the guitar, but also the piano and drums, making Chanyeol look really hot in Baekhyun's eyes. Just imagine him wearing a tank top while playing the drums, hitting on the instrument passionately and wet from all the sweat….No, he never imagined that, of course not. He wasn't a pervert after all.

 

A hand waved before his eyes and his attention came back to the big hands from the giant black haired man.

 

_“Are you even paying attention? You blankly stared at my face for like...five minutes?”_

 

Baekhyun totally not went red.

 

_“Oh. Sorry, I was lost in thought. What were you saying?”_

 

Chanyeol heaved a sigh.

 

_“You for sure are exhausting, Baekhyun.”_

 

_“Hey, I'm not! I'm just a really dreamy person and also...you kind of have something between your teeth and I couldn't help, but stare at it.”_

 

Chanyeol looked nearly terrified when he saw that. Then he seemed to panic and his big arms flew up into the air before he turned around, seemingly embarrassed, and tried to clean his teeth with one of his fingers.

 

Baekhyun laughed, but the other couldn't hear it. He also wanted to say that it was no problem and that he was still really good-looking, even with something between his teeth. But, somehow his sadistic side enjoyed the embarrassment of the other and he didn't mention it, even when Chanyeol turned back to him and couldn't look into his eyes for nearly another ten minutes. It was cute. He suddenly ended up as the one who couldn't stop grinning like a stupid maniac.

 

 

It was getting cold really fast this year and somehow the days also ended way faster than before.

 

Maybe it was because of his upcoming surgery in a week or his new flower shampoo that made him smell like the most badass queen of the whole hospital, but of course his gut told him that it was because of Chanyeol. Of course, it must've been him. They’ve started to hang out with each other nearly every day now, even if Baekhyun sometimes just wanted to be by himself for a while. That stupid giant always had a good way to convince him to come out, even if it was nothing more than a pout and a look directed at him with his big puppy eyes that had Baekhyun melting in a puddle of rainbows. Baekhyun felt not only vulnerable to every move the other did, but also embarrassed to his sudden weakness.

 

It was getting close to December when Baekhyun had no pullovers left. He wanted to scream and ask his roommate dramatically where the fuck all his sweaters and pullovers were at, but the only thing he could do was pull his short hair in frustration and let out silent groans that never fully made their way through his vocal chords to his mouth.

It was fucking cold, the people here at the hospital didn't find the need to make the rooms any warmer and the only thing Baekhyun still had in his closet were t-shirts, jeans and fucking shorts.

 

“Fuck this. Fuck this. Fuck this. Fuck this,” he mouthed. His roommate didn't pay him any attention as always. He could be fucking on fire and he wouldn't care for all he knew. Simple things like these are what made him one of the worst roommates Baekhyun ever had. Jihoon was the worst, right after this Jongdae guy, who was the loudest human being he ever met in his life.

 

Unfortunately, he didn't have the time to room with him for long because well...his cancer took over the loud young man and made him fight until his last breath, making Baekhyun feel really guilty. However, it was still a better feeling of guilt and loss than the one he would feel if they were to be the best of friends and were really attached to each other. Reasons like these were why the brown haired man simply decided to ignore all the people here and to keep himself detached from everyone except for his doctor maybe.

 

For that was the reason why he really hated that he liked Park fucking Chanyeol so much. He hated it so much, but he couldn't stop hanging out with the lanky tall man. He would rather spend time with him than to miss out on knowing him because if he was really true to himself, it was really worth it. He was simply a great person and he made Baekhyun feel the happiest he has ever been, while before, he just felt alone, detached, scared and hopeless. With Chanyeol, he could let out his sadness and all his anxious thoughts, but also laugh really hard until his stomach hurt. They built chemistry well within a few days, so he couldn't just give it up now.

 

He wouldn't have chosen to get to know the guy a few weeks ago, but after the day they were alone in the music room, he took the risk. If only both of them would get through this fight together, then maybe…

 

_“Maybe what?”_ , the one side of his mind asked. _“Do you really think you two could build a happy, new life together?”_

 

_“Yes,”_ the other side said. It was really certain.

 

_“Don't be stupid, other side. Just because you like this idiot, it doesn't mean that he likes you back. Don't be so blinded by love and accept the hard reality!”_ , the other side argued.

 

The one side got silent.

 

_“And, you also can't be sure that he will heal fully. Remember how some people seemed to recover so well and then died because the cancer suddenly was everywhere? This could also happen to him. Don't be stupid and get away from him.”_

 

The other side was still silent.

 

 

_“Do you have some pullovers for me? It's freezing.”_

 

Chanyeol’s eyes shined as bright as ever. His left eyebrow, shaped in a really pretty way, made its way up his forehead.

 

_“Why? Don't you have some yourself?”_

 

Baekhyun put his hand on his hip, looking up at the giant with a resting bitch face.

 

_“Do I look like I have something long-sleeved on me right now? I fucking didn't bring warm clothes here and now I need to wait until the next weekend before my parents bring me some.”_

 

Chanyeol’s full lips formed an 'O' while his eyes averted into the far distance, making it seemed as if he was in deep thought. Then, he slowly held up his hands again.

 

_“Well, you can have some pullovers, but they will be too big for you. Why don't you borrow clothes from your roommate? He seems to be your size.”_

 

_“Are you implying that I am as tiny as that fucking idiot!?”_

 

_“Well...you are really tiny.”_

 

After the black haired man saw the expression of the other, he quickly formed something new.

 

_“I...I mean...you are in comparison to me...because...I am too big!”_

 

_“That's right,”_ Baekhyun gestured as he nodded, satisfied before also cocking up an eyebrow.

 

_“Well…? Are you giving me your clothes now or not?”_

 

Chanyeol nodded quickly.

 

_“Yes!”_

 

He made his way over to his closet, taking every piece of clothing out that looked as if it was wearable for the tinier one. The pile grew so big that it was impossible for the giant to sleep on his bed, if he wanted to. Baekhyun looked at every single one of them, thinking which he could wear best with his jeans or shorts. He must admit that the style of the giant was kind of similar to his own, but it was still way too big for him, making him look like a bag of garbage. Maybe it was the fact that he was way too thin, considering that he ate too little for weeks now. He picked out three sweaters and then eyed the black haired man for a while.

 

_“I want this sweater,”_ , gestured Baekhyun as he pointed right at Chanyeol. The black haired male looked shocked, pointing with one finger at himself and his black sweater questioningly.

 

_“Yes, exactly this one. Please give it to me.”_

Baekhyun smiled the sweetest smile he could manage. Something in Chanyeol's eyes twitched, or maybe, just his eye twitched.

 

_“Why this one?”_

 

_“Because.”_

 

_“But, I am wearing it right now.”_

 

_“I don't see this as a problem.”_

 

Chanyeol's stare started to get even more intense, but he seemed to know that he couldn't really argue with the witty brown haired male.

 

_“Why are you doing this?”_ , he begged and scrunched up his whole face into a pitiful expression, but Baekhyun wasn't paying attention to that. Instead, he gestured, _"Now please give it to me, it will go well with my ripped jeans. You can change into this.”_ Baekhyun handed the other male a gray sweater instead.

 

Chanyeol still didn't seem very convinced, but he started to pull at the ends of his black sweater that had lots of white rabbits on it. Baekhyun suddenly felt really embarrassed, but didn't really know what to do with himself in the moment. Should he turn around while Chanyeol was changing? But that made him look way too squeamish, as the two of them were guys after all?

 

Only after Chanyeol turned himself around was the question for the other male answered. Still getting a good view of the other's back, it somehow got really hot in here. Baekhyun was trying really hard not to turn red and fanned a little bit of air onto his face, but he still felt really flustered because the other's back was really...sexy.

 

Screw that stupid, stupid supermodel idiot.

After Chanyeol changed and handed him the black sweater, Baekhyun excused himself coming up with the excuse that he needed to go put the sweaters into his closet. He just left out the part about maybe never returning and burying himself in his bed for the rest of his life, instead.

 

 

After two days of wearing only the black sweater with the white rabbits on it, Baekhyun fell down the stairs and broke his left leg.

 

_Congratulations_ , he thought to himself silently when one of the nurses treated the broken bone. _You really couldn't get any more stupid Baekhyun, could you?_

 

The accident didn't affect his condition in any way, but it made Doctor Kim still face palm for nearly ten minutes.

 

“Didn't I fully express myself with begging you not to do anything to yourself again?” Doctor Kim whined, following a snort so loud that maybe the entire hospital could hear it.

 

“You are really one of a kind, aren't you?”

 

Again, Baekhyun could only answer with an _“I'm sorry”_.

 

To his full surprise, his roommate Jihoon came by to help him get to their room, but the short male just shook his head in response to Baekhyun's irritated expression.

 

It was actually really heart-warming how the really young male supported him. A really intense feeling of being cared for washed through him suddenly. Even if he hated him, he was actually a really awesome person. He always helped Baekhyun when he was in need, always called for a doctor or nurse when he wasn't able to. These little things made Baekhyun really want to express his sudden gratitude to him. He'd better do it quickly because he didn't know how long they would still room together. It could always end suddenly.

 

Baekhyun hugged him when they were in their room again and suddenly, he felt the urge to cry really hard. He really hated this. He hated cancer so, so, so much. It was just unfair.

 

He really hoped that everyone will get through this fight and win, but especially Chanyeol. He didn't think that he could still live happily without the stupid giant anymore. Even if they only knew each other for a short while now, they were already so close that it made Baekhyun desperate. This was exactly what he needed and wanted to avoid, but now he ended up like this.

 

Chanyeol was getting crazy from worrying so much over his condition, Baekhyun saw that the moment they met eyes in the foyer of the hospital.

Somehow, he could immediately tell what the other was feeling. He couldn't pinpoint what it was that made them connect, but maybe it was because the taller one was expressing himself unconsciously more through his body language because he could never talk, or maybe it was just something between the two of them and their special connection.

 

Baekhyun needed to sit in a wheelchair for the time being. He wouldn't be able to balance with normal crutches because of his missing energy caused by his illness. It was really weird at first, but after a while it got really comfortable because he could chill the whole day and was never forced to move in any way.

 

On the other hand, Baekhyun got the feeling that he was getting even weaker because of that. He wasn't even able to heave himself from the wheelchair to his bed without the help of his roommate.

 

_“God, Baekhyun!”_ , Chanyeol gestured frantically. The brown haired man didn't need any more words to know what the other wanted to say. Chanyeol always expressed his concern and worry with much outrage and really sharp and big gestures, while a frown was constantly present between his eyebrows.

 

They decided to go out for a while considering that they both haven't been out much lately and could really use a breath of fresh air right now.

 

Chanyeol was pushing Baekhyun the entire way to the little park near the hospital. The sitting one wanted to complain and say that he could move on his own, but Chanyeol seemed certain in his own actions. Only when they arrived at their destination could Baekhyun face the other again, frowning along with the black haired man. He seemed to be really worried and offended.

 

_“Hey...don't make that face. Everything's okay! In three days will be my surgery and hopefully I'll recover again!”_

 

Chanyeol nodded, but the pout didn't go away.

 

_“Yaah! Stop pouting! It looks ugly on you.”_

 

Something like a puff escaped Chanyeol's mouth. _“Then when do I look beautiful to you?”_

 

Baekhyun didn't even have to think about his answer. _“When you are smiling so stupidly. How can a person even smile so widely? How is that even possible?”_

 

Only after Chanyeol looked expressionless did Baekhyun realize his mistake.

 

“Oh...I mean...you look totally not beautiful...and you are really stupid. You annoy me every day, way too much. And -”

 

Chanyeol grabbed his hands, making him stop in his tracks and look up at him with utter confusion.

 

God dammit, why was he so near all of a sudden. Chanyeol was looking at him directly in the eyes, and only in the brief moment of a heartbeat did Baekhyun realize his feelings.

 

He suddenly knew everything. He suddenly knew the answer to the intense and sparkling stare of Chanyeol's eyes, to the way he was holding him right now, to how his expression was, and of course, to his body language.

 

The answer had always been there, even if barely visible, it was still there. Baekhyun could always see it, but he never fully recognized it. How stupid he must've been to never really see it because it would've spared so much time he spent thinking about how he should end this friendship and distance himself from the other male again. He always thought that his feelings would never return, thought that maybe, he should just die, so it would be better for the both of them.

 

Now, he finally knew it by the way Chanyeol was standing there, crouching down in front of him, holding both of his hands, looking at him with that expression and with those eyes, down at him.

 

Somehow, he knew that Chanyeol could also see it now. Starting from his own body language, the way he was gripping the others hands, the way he was looking at him back with this expression and those eyes.

 

They both just knew, without ever saying a single word, but simply by the way their body spoke for them. It was a sudden realization, maybe one that was way too late, but their lips met nevertheless in a shy, almost embarrassed manner, making each other smile halfway through the actual kiss.

And Baekhyun could somehow feel how Chanyeol's lips were trembling, slightly, but it never went away.

 

 

It was the day of his surgery, but Chanyeol looked paler than he did himself.

 

Chanyeol was too weak to gesture anything to him. He was too worried to even look him in the eyes, scared that something would go wrong or that the surgery wouldn't help the brunette.

 

It was simply heartbreaking for Baekhyun to see Chanyeol the way he was. He couldn't help but try to cheer the other up with positive things like _“Don't worry, after the surgery I'll be fresher than orange juice!", “Hey, don't you want to know how I look with longer, more beautiful hair? I'll look so damn pretty, you'll have problems breathing normally!”,_ or _“Ya, Yoda!!! If you don't smile for once I'll kick you in the butt!”_ , but somehow nothing seemed to move the giant. He kept the sad expression on his face, a face so sad it could reach the ground. That stupid supermodel needed to be cheered up when in truth he was the one who needed to be cheered up in this situation!

 

So, he tried another solution to get the giant's attention. He kissed him firstly in a brief, shy manner, but then for longer and more intense as time passed. He smirked when Chanyeol finally placed his hands on the others hips because it was way better than he ever imagined.

 

Before the two would choke because of too little air, they parted and just breathed heavily on each other’s lips, looking into each other's eyes or the other's already swollen lips.

 

Baekhyun tried to smile as cheerfully as he could. He smiled as bright and blinding as Chanyeol always did before and then placed one of his hands on the others cheeks. With one last peck, he then fully parted from the other, rolling his wheelchair further back and breathing in the last bit of air he shared with Chanyeol before the surgery. Never once taking his eyes away from the wide-eyed black haired man still sitting in front of him.

 

He wanted to turn around and go into the surgery room because the doctors and nurses were already waiting for him so the start of the five hour long surgery could begin, but he just couldn't take his eyes off from the tall lanky man.

 

There was a slight possibility that this was the last time they saw each other. Baekhyun’s surgery was risky because he could die while the surgery took place. It was only a little possibility, but it was there and it frightened both of them to the core. This was making the goodbye harder than it should be.

 

_“Baekhyun,”_ Chanyeol mouthed and his body started to shake.

 

The brunette loved the way his name was formed by those full, also slightly swollen lips. A shiver ran down his spine.

 

_“Don't you dare die, do you understand? Don't you fucking dare, or else…”_

 

He never finished this sentence fully, but Baekhyun knew what the other meant to say.

 

_“I love you,”_ he formed. It was the first time he ever gestured this sign, so the gesture made it even more meaningful to him.

 

_“God, I love you too. Now go and fight this fucking bitch of a cancer. I love you. I love you.”_

 

I love you.

 

.

 

 

The doctors said he slept for a whole week, caused by strong narcosis that made his body incapable of waking up. Dr. Kim even said that there was a chance of him never waking up again or falling into a coma, but thankfully, he was strong enough to wake up again.

 

Baekhyun was irritated at first because it felt as if he was only sleeping for a night with a short but vivid dream of him eating all kinds of candy he could think of and even swimming in them. He didn't believe the doctor, but the doctor seemed to be saying the truth, having his eyebrows knitted into a big frown, still looking way too concerned.

 

_“Am I healed now?”_ He could barely lift his hands, but he had to ask this. It was everything that he wanted to know, everything he fought for. Every pain he went through was just to be able to live until this exact moment. His throat hurt and it felt swollen and totally weird, but he knew that it was worth it.

 

“Yes.”

 

Not only Baekhyun started to cry, but also his doctor. He was there from day one and supported him everyday until now just to make sure that he was healed, that he was okay, and that he could continue living a fulfilled and happy life. It was so touching that both of them just couldn't stop crying and hugging each other. Baekhyun felt so weak after this, but it was a happy weak feeling. One of the most sincere smiles he ever showed since his sickness started to make its way up his mouth. He wiped away the tears from the corner of his eyes before forming happily, still smiling as bright as ever, _“Can you call Chanyeol to come over? I want him to know that I am okay now.”_

 

His doctor still had tears in his eyes, but he also smiled happily at him before nodding.

 

“Yes of course. I'll make sure a nurse calls him over. Now, rest Baekhyun. You really need it for at least two weeks. I'll come check up on you in the evening, okay? Oh, and by the way, today is Christmas, just so you know. Don't you think that today, you got one of the best presents ever?”

 

Baekhyun was seemingly surprised at this because it really was the best present he ever got. It was somehow magical how exactly on this day, he woke up and was healed from the cancer. This was totally the best present he could ever receive in his life and now he was sure that his life will surely go on. He was tearing up again after thinking this. After all, he still couldn't really believe that this was true. He was just so happy now.

 

After a while of silently crying and non-stop smiling, he got drowsy again, fighting against the sleep to take over him. He still wanted to see Chanyeol at least for a few seconds, telling him the happy news, but after some minutes, his, still, weak body couldn't take it anymore and he slipped off to sleep again. He wasn't dreaming about candy anymore, but a specific giant who constantly ran his hand through his jet black, full, and shiny hair making Baekhyun, even in his dreams, feel annoyed.

 

 

The next time he woke up again, it was dark. Baekhyun had thought that he slept only half of the day until the night, but his body felt way better than the when he slept for a week. He even had enough energy to stand up again and go to the bathroom, but after a nurse caught him running around his room, she told him to strictly stay in bed and rest.

 

He knew the nurse since the day he got hospitalized and thankfully she knew sign language, making communication with her easy. He waved his hands to get her attention. When she was looking at him with a warm smile, he gestured, _“Do you know if a black haired man named Park Chanyeol was visiting me while I was sleeping the last week? Did my family also come to see me?”_

 

The nurse seemed to think a little before answering, “I did see your parents and brother visiting you, but not Chanyeol. To be more exact, I didn't see him for the past week at all.”

 

Baekhyun nodded slowly, while shaping an 'O' with his mouth.

 

_“Well, could you tell him that I am awake and feeling well? And, that he should visit me as soon as possible.”_

 

“Of course,” the nurse replied with a smile before injecting him medication.

 

“You need this to help your healing process and also to kill the last evil bacteria in your larynx. Don't worry, the possibility of having remaining cancer cells in your body is really low and after this medication you will be completely free of them. Now, please rest!”

 

Baekhyun nodded and thanked her. When she went away, he looked for his roommate Jihoon, but he was nowhere to be seen just like all his stuff that was usually lying around.

 

He suddenly got really scared. What if something happened to him? What if he...died?

 

Oh god, Baekhyun thought to himself. Please, be well, Jihoon.

 

Only the next day did he have the chance to ask another nurse where his roommate was and she suddenly looked really grim.

 

“He passed away a few days ago. The cancer...he couldn't fight it anymore. I am really sorry you had to hear it just now. He was a really good man, really strong and courageous.”

 

No. It did happen again.

 

Baekhyun inhaled slowly, carefully, just enough that his throat started to hurt a bit, but the heavy feeling in his chest was nothing compared to this.

He knew that it was possible for this to happen, but he still wished like the naive little child he was that it wouldn't. He never got to say his thanks to his awesome, helpful, lovely roommate. He really deserved a better treatment than being ignored by him. It was so idiotic, but the only method he had to stay away from everyone. It was so stupid. Now, he regretted it, again.

 

He couldn't help but cry, again.

 

Only after a few hours did Baekhyun calm down again, but the regret was still as strong as ever.

 

He turned the TV on to distract himself a little bit and also to find something to do with himself, but he knew that the regret and grief wouldn't go away, at least for a while. It was exactly like the last time with Jongdae. He just didn't learn from his mistakes.

 

He really needed Chanyeol right now, to comfort him, to hug and kiss him, and to say that everything was going to be okay. That it was the best he could do, otherwise the grief would be way more, way too emotional and strong.

 

But where was he? He still didn't make an appearance and it was making Baekhyun go crazy. Why wasn't he visiting him? Didn't the nurses find him to tell him to come? Didn't Chanyeol know that he was awake now?

 

His thoughts continued to flow into that direction with lots of questions and possibilities and no answers, making him fidget in his bed uncontrollably.

 

After some hours of having the hope that a nurse would find his stupid giant, he finally got an answer.

 

The idiot was in his room the whole time. He wanted to jump right into the ceiling from annoyance because why didn't Chanyeol even bother to visit him even once!? Was he that unimportant to him!?

 

Only after the nurse mentioned something along the lines of, “He's barely able to sit, to eat or to do anything at all.” and “He gets his treatment.” did he realize in what situation Chanyeol was right now.

 

No, Park fucking Chanyeol, don't you fucking dare…

 

He stilled when he remembered that these were nearly the exact same words the stupid giant told him right before his surgery. He never got the chance to tell him this too, that he wasn't allowed to die too because he needed him, just like Chanyeol needed him too.

 

Oh god, no.

 

He stood up, despite of his strict instruction to stay in bed.

 

Even if he was barefoot and in one of the hospital gowns, he walked out of his room and out into the hallway. He knew that Chanyeol's room was far away from his own, but it still didn't matter to him right at this moment. All that mattered was that he needed to see Chanyeol.

 

Please. Please. Please. God, please…

 

He started crying all of a sudden, thinking that he could break down right at this moment because it was all way too much. He worried so much for his giant that he suddenly forgot how to breathe, how to think, how to function properly. The only thing that he was able to do was to make his way to Chanyeol’s room.

 

God, no, please…

 

Some nurses asked him if he was okay or what he was doing here. So many questions were asked, it could have been possible that one of them wanted him to go back to his room, but he ignored all of them and quickly continued waddling his way to his stupid supermodel.

 

He flung the door open in a heartbeat and if he could, he would scream right at this moment.

 

Instead, he practically flew onto the giant's bed where the black haired one was currently lying. With the last bit of energy that was left in him, he clutched the way too thin body like it was the life source he was craving for all this time, crying and shaking like he never did before.

 

Two also very thin arms wrapped around him, but they weren't as warm and comforting as he remembered them the last time to be.

 

With everything he had left, he mustered up the energy to look up again. The sight of the giant was even more shocking than he imagined it to be.

The other was smiling, but it wasn't the wide and cheerful smile he was accustomed to. The smile was more forced than wanted, tired, and worn-out. His eye bags had more eye bags under while being surrounded by dark circles. His eyes were barely open and as red as hell itself. He was even paler than a ghost and he seemed to have lost so much weight.

 

He formed an _“Oh god, Chanyeol…”_ with his mouth, but he wasn't sure if the other was able to read that. So, he sat up and moved to the side of the bed to not crush the giant. He noticed that he still didn't and couldn't stop crying, but he lifted his hands nevertheless to form hopefully comprehensible sentences.

 

_“You...don't you dare die now, Park Chanyeol...Don't you...dare…”_

 

Chanyeol didn't stop smiling even if it was still a horrible smile. It was probably the only one he could muster at the moment.

 

_“Fight this fucking bitch of a cancer...please, Chanyeol, please…”_

 

Chanyeol’s smile got brighter. He then put his hands on his stomach, slightly lifting them up to also form something. Baekhyun wiped his eyes to be able to see better.

 

_“Don't worry, I'll be fine. I got treatment a day ago. I am healed now, too. Baekhyun-ah, we both are okay now. I love you.”_

 

Maybe his heart burst out of his chest. It could also maybe be that all the relief, worry and stress mixed together weren't good for him, but after reading this, Baekhyun was finally relieved, happy and calm all of a sudden. His vision started to get blurry. The last thing he could feel was the content in his heart and Chanyeol's body pressed against his.

 

 

He was allowed to visit Naeun and her son Taeguk, every weekend, promising to support them with everything that he got so they both could get better, again. It made him really happy seeing how the young boy started to get more talkative and cheerful with every upcoming week.

 

The brown haired man continued on drawing pictures about a better future and dogs, while always chattering away with Taeguk’s mother about the current happenings in his life.

 

He told her about the challenges of finding a major to study at a university because every major required talking, thus every job too. He told her his plans on moving to another city to increase his chance of finding something to do. Also, he told her how Chanyeol and he planned on moving together, which made NaEun glow with happiness.

 

“You two are together now, huh? I am really happy for you. You two look so good together!”

 

Baekhyun's cheeks flushed a bright shade of pink. He gestured her a frantic, _“Stop that,”_ but secretly, he was agreeing with her.

 

Sadly, Chanyeol still needed many checkups in the hospital and needed to stay there often. Baekhyun also needed a few checkups, so they always had each other for support.

 

Besides, they both were recovering really well. The comfort of each other made them both feel as happy as ever.

 

They were walking beside each other through the little park near the hospital. Although it was the middle of January, it was still cold. Baekhyun couldn't help but shake uncontrollably from the icy wind.

 

The stupid giant started to grin so wide that it could split his face in two any moment. He even had the guts to nudge his hip with Baekhyun's, making the other nearly fall to the side.

 

Baekhyun threw his arms in the air and exasperatedly puffed air out of his mouth, before forming an angry, _“Yaah! You stupid giant, can't you walk normally?”_

 

Chanyeol laughed, with all his face twitching and scrunched up into the weirdest shapes. Baekhyun's heart felt so warm and content he could start crying again.

 

_“Yaaah, I wanted to get your attention,”_ was Chanyeol's answer and he cheekily pecked Baekhyun's lips before thinking about something.

 

His hands started to form gestures again, but Baekhyun didn't notice them. Instead, he kept staring at the others thinking expression. Only when the black haired man was looking at him again, did he notice that the other wasn't paying attention causing him to pout. He nudged Baekhyun again, making the other frown at the annoying move.

 

_“Hey, stop that!”_

 

_“Then pay attention!”_

 

They had a silent staring contest, but strangely, no one seemed to have won. They both ended up smiling like dumb and dumber, instead.

 

_“Okay. Now that your hair fully grew back and is now as beautiful as mine, how about we dye it?”_

 

Baekhyun's eye was twitching. No way did the other plan such a stupid thing for the both of them.

 

_“No way! We should treat our hair with care, now that it finally grew back! Dying hair just damages it!”_

 

Chanyeol was pouting again. Stupid pout, stupid lips. They were always so pink and inviting.

 

_“Please! It would look so cool!”_

 

He was still pouting. What did he think he was doing? Did he want Baekhyun to punch him? Right then, the giant had the audacity to kiss him in such a way that he just couldn't say no.

 

Oh. My. God. Such an idiot.

 

Why did Chanyeol even do this to him? Even if he didn't want it, he still agreed in the end because the smile he got from the black haired giant was more than worth it.

 

_“Great! How about I dye my hair silver and you dye yours pink?”_

 

It was the most insane thing they could ever do, especially with such crazy colors, but he still agreed.

 

Stupid, stupid supermodel, making him feel so in love.


End file.
